How to convince someone to go to therapy - a Psychologist’s perspective
Someone you care about is really struggling emotionally. Maybe from a recent breakup, debilitating anxiety, or depression.
You tried to help by listening and sharing your opinions. But you’re feeling frustrated that they’re not taking your advice. You started telling them they should go to therapy but they’re resistant to that too.
What not to do if you want someone to go to therapy
First of all, stop telling people they should go to therapy. Most people will instinctively push back against any perceived pressure to do anything. The word “should” triggers that pressure in people.
People don’t usually do what they should. And on the off chance that they do, it’s rarely for any length of time. The word should induce feelings of shame and guilt causing people to feel worse about themselves. Your loved one might respond by pulling away from you.
What to say to convince someone to go to therapy
Instead, tell them about your positive experience of going to therapy. An example of how you could bring up the subject is this, “I care about you so much and I see you hurting. I know what that feels like and I want to share with you what has helped me.”
Then proceed to share the circumstances that made you seek out therapy. It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable sharing details of your situation; you don’t need to. It's enough to focus on your thoughts and feelings that led you to seek help.
For example, “My daughter and I were going through some tough times. I was angry all the time and yelled at everybody. I felt so lonely, but also couldn’t stand to be around anybody. I knew I needed help because I couldn’t go on like that.”
Emphasize how therapy helps you. Talk about the changes in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Share about how your life is better now.
Let the person make the connection - “I want that result for myself. Perhaps seeing a therapist will help me too. Let me find out more.”
The only thing left for you to do is be open to answering any questions about your therapy experience. You could give them the name of the Psychologist who has helped you.
Or share this helpful resource with them, The most important out-of-the-box question to ask a Psychologist in OC.
What if you haven’t gone to therapy yourself?
First of all, I appreciate your positive view of psychotherapy. You believe that talking to a therapist is a beneficial thing. And it is!
But if you haven’t gone to therapy yourself, then your suggestion that this person should be in therapy doesn’t carry much weight. You will have more impact if you suggest people do something that you’ve done yourself.
If you’ve toyed with the idea of going to therapy at some point in your life, now might be a good time to pursue it. The person you want to go to therapy is more likely to go if they see you doing it. You two could research together and share information about Psychologists you find that might be a good fit for each other. The more involved they are in the process of finding a therapist, the more ownership they feel about it. And the more likely they are to go.
What if they still refuse to go to therapy?
The short answer is, let it go. Don’t push it.
The person is likely not ready to make changes. They are not done feeling bad yet. They might not feel good, but they could tolerate feeling bad longer. They haven’t reached their rock bottom. This place is different for everybody.
If the person is pressured to go to therapy without believing that they need it, the therapy will fail.
As a Psychologist in Orange County, I’ve been doing therapy for 12 years. I developed a policy of not working with people whose spouse, parent, or family pressures them to see me. I tell them to come back when they feel they want it for themselves.
For this person who you care about, you could say something like this, “I see you hurting. When you are ready to feel different and make changes, I know a Psychologist who could help you.”
Dr. Nina Nguy is a Clinical Psychologist in Orange County, CA. Her specialties include anxiety therapy for Asian professionals, Asian parenting, perinatal mental health, Vietnamese counseling, and psychological evaluations for immigration court.