Why do I feel so sad when I know I’m loved? An Asian Psychologist’s perspective

This is a question that comes up quite a bit in therapy sessions, especially with my Asian clients.

They are confused about why they feel so sad and empty despite knowing they are loved. There’s also a sense of embarrassment in “complaining” about their sadness instead of being grateful that they have people who love them.

It is natural to assume that to be loved means you are also liked because we imagine these two feelings exist on a spectrum. But my 13+ years of experience doing therapy as a Vietnamese Psychologist reveals something different – just because someone claims to love you, doesn’t necessarily mean they like you.

You could be loved and not be liked.

WHAT IS LOVE?

Let’s start by defining what love is. Love is a deep emotional attachment you feel for someone or something. It involves having strong feelings of care, commitment, admiration, and affection for them. Their needs and well-being are a priority to you.

HOW TO SHOW LOVE

Dr. Gary Chapman identified 5 different ways people show and receive love, commonly referred to as “love languages”. The five languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, gift-giving, quality time, and physical touch. Ideally, you would be able to “speak” all 5 languages of love fluently with your loved ones. In reality, people only show love in 1 or 2 of these ways that come naturally to them. Usually, how you give love is also how you’d like to receive love. Ideally, the people in your life would communicate their love by telling you how much they love you and appreciate you, by doing something for you that makes your life easier, by giving a small token to let you know they were thinking about you, by asking to spend time with you to catch up, or by giving your hand a squeeze when you talk.

HOW ASIAN FAMILIES SHOW LOVE

In my extensive experience as a Vietnamese Psychologist doing therapy with Asians in Orange County, I learned that love in Asian families is often experienced as an obligation. There is a feeling that love is something they “have to” do. Love is expected from everyone in the family. Of the five love languages, acts of service are the primary way Asian parents show love. They cook and (force) feed their kids food. They take care of the house so their kids don’t have to do chores. These things would take the place of being told “I love you.” If the words “I love you” are ever spoken, it is at the end of an insult or criticism disguised as a helpful comment like, “I’m only telling you this because I love you! You need to change ___ or else no one will love you like I do!”

WHEN LOVING FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS CLASH

There is a wide range of acceptable behaviors that fall under the category of love. For example, you could love someone and want to spend as much time as you can with them. Or you could love someone and have no interest in spending time with them at all, but you know that you would be there if they needed you. In this case, you might think you love the person, but I assure you, the person won’t feel loved.

When there is a mismatch of loving feelings with loving behaviors, it’s usually because of two things. The first reason is cultural. Emotional restraint is a sign of maturity in most Asian cultures. So Asian family members don’t talk about mushy feelings like love. Instead, they demonstrate love in narrowly prescribed ways through food, advice-giving, or chores. The other reason why loving feelings and behaviors don’t align is because of unresolved conflicts between the parties involved. The connection (love) is still there, but unresolved differences and hurts make it hard for the parties to be around each other.

WHAT IS LIKE?

If love is an obligation, then like is a choice. Love is complicated; like is simple. Think of some things you like: TV shows, sports, type of food, or your friends. What happens when we come across things we like? We smile at it, we move towards it, we say positive things about it, and most importantly, we choose it. We choose it to consume, spend time doing, or engage with.

BETTER TO BE LIKED THAN LOVED?

So why do you feel sad despite knowing that you’re loved? Because intellectually, you know that they love you, but emotionally, you don’t feel it. You know they would come to your rescue if you’re in need. But you don’t feel like they’re happy to see you. You want them to treat you how they treat the things and people they like. They don’t smile at you or choose you to spend time with. Their love for you could feel like a burden they have to shoulder, making you feel guilty for being the cause of that burden. A love like that doesn’t feel good for anybody. That is why you still feel sad and empty. A love without the behaviors that communicate a liking feels hollow.

SUMMARY

In theory, like and love feelings exist on a continuum. Both refer to positive feelings and connections we have with people and things. They differ in their depth and intensity. Like feelings could develop into loving feelings. To be loved subsumes being liked. But in reality, that is not the case. People get told they are loved but get treated in an unloving way - a way that communicates they are unloved and disliked. It is confusing to reconcile what the mind knows from what the heart feels.

To all the people who claim to love someone, please take a moment to reflect. Do you, really? Do you do things that make them feel liked? Do your words align with your actions? If they don’t, can you identify why not? It might be helpful to seek out therapy with an Asian psychologist to understand the discrepancy between your words and actions and work through the issues blocking that alignment. To be liked and chosen feels so much better than to be loved and passed over.

About the Author: Dr. Nina Nguy

I’m a Clinical Psychologist in Orange County, CA. My specialties include anxiety therapy for Asian professionals, Asian parenting, trauma therapy, couples counseling, perinatal mental health, and immigration evaluations.